Kinks are becoming more and more talked about, yet if you’re someone who is still exploring their sexuality, it’s difficult to know where to start. If you’ve ever wondered ‘What are my kinks?’, this blog is for you.
A kink is defined as an unconventional sexual practice or a concept, with BDSM being the most popular fantasy among both men and women. [1]
So, here’s how to discover your kink:
1. Decide whether you’re submissive or dominant, or both
The easiest way to start your sexual exploration journey is to start from the beginning. Namely, figure out whether you like being controlled or being in control. While a lot of people are attracted to both scenarios, most of us lean towards one or the other a bit more.
You can find plenty of BDSM tests online which can tell you how dominant/submissive you are, among other things. To be sure the test got it right, try to experiment on your own or with your partner as much as possible.
Since women are often portrayed as submissive, you might not realize you prefer being dominant until you’ve tried to switch things around. Once you’ve known for sure, you can build upon it. There are a lot of role plays you can have a play with that can help you decide if there’s any particular dynamic you’re into. For example, if you prefer being submissive, you might be attracted to the daddy/little girl role play or master/slave scenario. You might want to explore sadism and domme play if you’re dominant.
2. Try ‘What’s my kink?’ quizzes
These usually aren’t very versatile and often include ‘Have you ever?’ questions but can be a great start to help you find out what your kinks are. If you’re in a relationship, encourage your partner to test himself too and compare your answers. If your potential kinks match, you can agree on exploring some of them in more depth. Even realizing that you’re not into some kinks as much as expected is a step closer to discovering what you enjoy in bed.
3. Talk to the kink/fetish community
If you don’t have a kink, it’s no surprise you’ve never been a part of a kink community. However, the best way to discover what kinks are out there is to learn from people with plenty of experience in that area. Learning tools such as porn or podcasts can push you in the right direction, but they rarely reflect reality.
So, the best way to start your sexual exploration is to join a forum or a group where you can connect with other sexually open-minded people. Discover what desires they have and in what way a particular kink makes them feel empowered or vulnerable, and why they enjoy it.
For example, some people might like being ordered around because they’re always in charge in their ‘vanilla’ life and find giving up control relaxing. You can also lurk on social media and look for accounts of people who have Only Fans. In most cases, their popularity comes from a specific kink-inspired style. Choosing outfits you like might be a good first step to getting inspired.
4. Pay attention to what turns you on in movies
Now, you don’t necessarily have to watch erotic movies for inspiration as very few are kinky anyway, but it’s always possible to derive inspiration from the characters’ relationship itself. Pay attention to what excites you about the storyline: do you prefer when characters show each other affection, or do you get more turned on by the idea of sneaking out to see your partner? If it’s the former, you might want to explore tantric sex that focuses on building emotional intimacy with your partner. If it’s the latter, you might want to explore risky sex that can give you an adrenaline rush, focusing more on sexual intimacy.
5. Watch porn
Nearly everyone watches porn, so it’s no surprise it caters to everyone’s needs; you can find all kinds of videos online. Have a look at the most popular tags and check out the one that interests you the most. Even though you might not understand what’s going on, some scenarios might still turn you on and be worth exploring.
Just remember that porn isn’t a tutorial on how to engage in those sex acts in real life, so take it with a grain of salt and use it as a stepping stone. And always try to watch ethical porn over mass-produced, unrealistic depictions of sex and love. There’s a big difference.
6. Do something different every time you have sex with your partner
The most important step is to have a conversation with your partner because chances are he has some fantasies he has wanted to explore. You can agree on taking one step at a time and trying something new every time you have sex – this could be simply changing the dynamic between you two, introducing a new sex toy, or a new sex position.
Don’t feel pressured to like something just because you think you should or because it’s popular, and similarly, don’t be ashamed if you find some ideas exciting while your partner doesn’t. If you aren’t on the adventurous side, it’s also a good idea to start with dirty talk, which is a bit of a safer way to explore your potential fantasies. Tell your partner what you’d like to do to him and have him do the same, then pay attention to how it makes you feel.
7. Fantasize
Instead of asking yourself, ‘What are my kinks?’ the right question to ask is, ‘What are my fantasies?’ first. To start exploring your fantasies, don’t move straight onto masturbation when you’re feeling horny; warm yourself up with a bit of daydreaming first. Get yourself comfortable and try to fantasize about different scenarios.
Imagine that you’re about to see a handsome stranger and go from there. If you’re stuck, you can always have a go at reading an erotic novel and see which scenarios appeal to you. Remember not to judge yourself; just because you’re turned on by certain scenarios, it doesn’t mean you’d want them to happen to you in real life. The great thing about kinks is that they can help you explore your fantasies in a controlled setting, and if something isn’t working, you can opt out at any time.
8. Think about your past sexual experiences
Group your sexual encounters into bad and good ones and consider what made some better than others. Was it simply your partner’s skills or maybe the circumstances? This should give you an idea of what your ideal scenario would be and help you identify some elements that can indicate what your kink is. For example, if you enjoyed sex following an argument because it made it more intense, it might be a sign you should explore the dominant/submissive dynamic.
9. Lastly, don’t pressure yourself
Not everyone has an unconventional sexual preference, and kinks and fetishes can be very subjective. What’s just a simple like in bed can be a kink to someone else and vice versa. Many kinks might be scenarios you’ve never fantasized about, so don’t be afraid to keep trying new things and keeping an open mind. Sexual exploration is a journey – don’t rush it.