For many, the absolute peak of sexual pleasure exists in tantric sex. For many more, they’re left wondering, what is tantric sex? If they’re lucky enough to understand it, they still may be looking to understand how to have tantric sex. Fear not! Let’s break down the basics of tantra and make it accessible to you and yours. 

It’s a spiritual thing. 

The core of tantric sex is spiritual. While everyone can appreciate some of the tantric practices, it’s a religious practice at its core—no need to convert anytime soon, though, because anyone can still take part regardless of affiliation. 

The concept of tantric sex is merely that our spirits can complement, play, and interact with one another in magical ways during sex. While there’s plenty of books out there that can sell you a bunch of tantric positions, tantric sex can’t be done without a reflection of one’s own sexual energy. And frankly, if that scares you, that’s ok. Not everyone has to have tantric sex to have fulfilling sex lives. And it’s also ok if the relationship you’re in now just isn’t the time for it. 

Ultimately the goals of tantric sex are to move sexual energy throughout your body. Prior to getting started, it’s recommended to notice the energy you’re already holding in your body. Notice where you may feel restricted or ill at ease. Notice also the places where your body feels free and excited to be alive. Ultimately tantric sex can do a lot of healing, so there’s no need to start with some divine and perfect existence. You don’t have to be a sex goddess to benefit from the impacts of it. Perfectly flawed humans can still enjoy this level of deep sexual and spiritual connection, relating directly back to spiritual intimacy. 

It starts with breathing. 

When you’re ready to jump in, you’re going to do so primarily with breathing first. If you’ve meditated (see how meditation and sex are intertwined) before, you know that breathing is central to noticing the energy you bring to the table. If you participated in a mindfulness practice, you also know that the key to noticing how you feel is to simply breathe and notice.  

For tantric sex, get comfortable meditating and breathing with your partner. In fact, much of this sex doesn’t even need to involve “sex” as we see it in our society. Deep breathing and exploring your energy with your partner side by side is a sexual position here. Let yourself feel safe noticing both your own feelings and your partners. Hold space for one another as you inhale each other’s energy and excitement and exhale fears and pain.  

Meditation is a journey, and it can be challenging to include someone new in your practice. And if while you’re starting out, a giggle pops out here and there, that’s A-OK too. Notice your laughter, appreciate that you’re trying new things that may feel uncomfortable, and jump back in. 

Some real stuff can come up.

Just like in meditation, you may also notice other feelings come up. While some people notice their discomfort through initial laughter, others may actually notice feelings they haven’t before. You may be reminded of past traumatic experiences or notice ways in which your body is uncomfortable that you haven’t prior. When we haven’t checked in with ourselves in a bit, meditation can bring up some stuff we may have been avoiding. 

A large part of tantric sex is just letting these feelings come and go with ease. If you and your partner are both committed to tantric sex practices, that may just mean sitting with those feelings around someone who feels safe and comforting. Continue to breathe as the discomfort rolls through you and you begin to feel better. It’s ok if this isn’t all pleasurable. Don’t force anything; let whatever comes be ok. 

The tantric sex journey.

When you’re past the breathing portion of tantric sex, the next step is to escalate. Obviously, the kama sutra offers a wide variety of tantric sex practices to try out. While this big book of sex positions may seem intimidating and serious, the truth is tantric sex can also be playful. 

At its core, tantric sex is sex without the destination. And when you take orgasming off the table like that, you and your partner may find it’s just easier to have a good time with one another. Frankly, the pressure to “finish” has made it really hard for a lot of people to relax and enjoy sex as the fun act it should be. 

Treat your bodies like a playground. Enjoy how they feel, even if it’s not the feeling that will lead to orgasm. If you especially enjoy a tantric practice, let go during the experience. Try recentering your breathing so you can feel more of what’s going on with your body while it’s happening. When it stops feeling good, move on to something else or take a break to breathe. Trust yourself to notice your body and take the breaks you need along the way. 

With this in mind, it’s not uncommon for tantric sex to last long periods of time for this reason. So regardless of whether you’re just getting started or if tantric sex is a frequent practice for you, dedicate some time to it. Book an afternoon out and just have fun. And don’t forget the need to drink and eat along the way. Having some light snacks and water is always a good idea for any long stretch of physical intimacy. 

Still stuck?

Even if you understand what is tantric sex, the truth is not everyone has their own practice of meditation that they can share with you. It may be challenging to understand someone else’s inability to be in their own body if you’re further along in your spiritual journey. Conversely, if you haven’t meditated or been present with your body to this degree before, you may feel uncomfortable sharing it with people. 

It’s ok to wait and enjoy tantric sex when it feels good. Not every partnership you will have in your life may be the one where you learn how to have tantric sex. Some relationships are for other aspects of our self-discovery. Trust your body, and if it feels off, don’t do it. Central to tantric sex is the desire to truly feel your body with or without an orgasm. And if you’re not feeling good, you deserve to do something else that does. Forcing tantric sex simply won’t work, no matter how many articles or self-help books you read on the subject. 

Take it solo if you need to. 

If you’re committed to adding this to your practice, but your partner just isn’t, there are still things you can do. Continually practice your own meditation practice with or without sexual energy. When you’re ready to move on to more tantric practices, try getting in touch with your own sexual energy and touch while masturbating. While you won’t be able to connect with a partner, these solo sessions will still bring you closer to your own body. It’s even possible to grow in your own tantric sex and meditation practice individually. With this, when the time is right, you’ll be ready and able to share your body and spirit with another.