What exactly is submissive sex? Well, submissive sex ties in to the S in BDSM, which stands for submission. This typically takes place in a BDSM scene, and there is usually both a dominant and a submissive partner. The submissive partner, obviously, submits to their dominant partner. It is a consensual power exchange that is enjoyed by both parties. Submission is all about both giving and receiving power, for both parties. 

Not all submissive sex is the same.

When we talk about BDSM, it’s important to remember that so many kinks are different for so many people. Just because someone is submissive one day, does not mean they are always submissive. Submission is one of the more traditional forms of BDSM. Submission can take on many forms, such as being hit or slapped, choked, spit on, humiliated, degraded, being tied up, and even wax play. 

Submissive sex can be just moments during sex.

When your partner takes control by choking you, grabbing your hair, spanking you, or calling you his little girl, these are examples of him being dominant. If you submit to and enjoy that, you are submissive in that moment.  These moments happen often during “vanilla” or traditional sex, and are elements of power play. You may not consider this BDSM, or you may! 

What about a full scene of sex and submission? 

A scene is what you call your time of sex and submission where you explore your kinks. Instead of moments, your entire time is spent exploring these kinks and playing these roles. A scene is pre-negotiated and agreed upon by both parties, and you will have set limits, boundaries, and safe words. In your scene, you may allow spanking, choking, nipple clamps, and more. Or, you may be more intense and play with orgasm denial and edging.

Sex and submission lifestyles. 

Some submissives live with their dominants and enjoy a power exchange 24/7. These prevent any power exchange breaks. This is often referred to as a D/S relationship, or a dominant/submissive relationship. 

Everyone enjoys sex and submission for their own reasons.

Maybe you’re a woman who’s constantly in a position of power at the work place and want to reset and have someone take control at home. Or, you’re a man in the same position. Both men and women alike can be submissives. The release of control can be very enjoyable, and a mental reset for many. Some people find satisfaction by serving other people, which is why submission works so well for them. 

Desires and needs change.

If you have never been interested in submission before, but you are now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Our sexual cravings change over time, and it is normal and healthy to want to try something new. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again. There is no commitment, just like with anything involving sexual fantasies and acts. 

It’s important to know your limits during submissive sex.

Make a list of things that you may be interested in, things you are definitely not interested in, and things that you are definitely interested in. This helps set clear boundaries and define the yes and no aspect of a relationship and the kinks you are exploring. Your partner should also make one, so you can be on the same page about what is and isn’t ok. 

As always, communication is key. Remember that not only should you negotiate and agree on things to do and not do, but keep communication open while having your kinky, submissive fun! You may find that something you wanted to do is actually outside of your comfort level, and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable and unable to speak that. It will only lead to trauma. 

Safe words- incredibly important.

A safe word lets your partner know when one of your boundaries has been crossed or is about to be crossed. It is so important to agree upon this before you start a scene, so that you are both aware of when to stop. Both of you should have one, regardless of the role you are taking on or playing. These boundaries can be physical or mental. There are usually two safe words – a yellow one for when boundaries are close to being crossed, and red for when they have been crossed. You use the yellow word when you are getting to the peak level of what you can take, and the red when you need to stop or a boundary is crossed. Your safe word can be anything, but it is good to use a random word instead of no or stop. Some people may not be able to speak when their boundaries have been crossed or are about to be, so having a physical cue is a good idea as well. This may be you tapping them 3 times, or pinching them. Just because you have safe words doesn’t mean you don’t need to communicate. If something is pleasurable, let them know. If something isn’t pleasurable, let them know. This is the way to learn about what you both like. 

Explain your desires.

Again, communication is key. You have to let your partner know what you want to do and try, and explain with some kind of detail what you may be into! They cannot read your mind, and just know what scene you want. Make sure to be descriptive as well. If you say you want to play a submissive role, you may end up being belittled, when really you just wanted to be dominated in bed without mental humiliation. The more details you provide, the better it will be for you.

Don’t press your partner.

If you or your partner set boundaries, make sure not to push them to go further. They do not need to be convinced, and neither do you. Respect each others boundaries and wishes, and make sure you don’t try to coerce them in to trying something they’ve said no to. 

Don’t skip on submissive sex aftercare.

Some people experience extreme lows after scenes, and after care can truly help cope with that. Express your appreciation for each other, cuddle, talk about what you liked and didn’t, and even take a shower together. This helps with the emotional drop. Keep a kit of items nearby to help each other, like bandaids (as rope play can rip skin), lotion, and water. 

Remember, submissive sex is consensual, and a scene can be stopped at any time. Respect each other and each other’s boundaries, and most of all, have fun!