If you’ve ever heard of BDSM, you’re probably familiar with the dominant/submissive terms, which are what you should start your exploration from if you’re looking to get into this lifestyle.
Today’s article is on sex and submission: what does it mean, why you might enjoy it, and how to become more submissive in bed and everyday life.
What Does Being Submissive Mean?
If you’re a submissive, it means that you prefer when the other person is in charge while having sex. This can vary from simply letting the other person lead or allowing them to inflict pain and punishment. However, taking on a submissive role in a relationship doesn’t have to be limited to sex.
A lot of couples who enjoy this kind of lifestyle cultivate the submissive/dominant dynamic every day. For example, a submissive might address the dominant as ‘sir’ or perform tasks for them such as cleaning naked.
Why Are Some People Submissive While Others Aren’t?
Sexual preference is often just that, a preference. However, there are some possible reasons someone might prefer to submit than to dominate:
1. Giving up control feels nice
Many people who identify as submissive are often in control in their daily lives because they have high-stress jobs and family responsibilities to take care of. In other words, they’re always the ones making the decisions, which can be pretty tiring.
Being submissive in bed might be a way for them to have a break and allow someone else to take care of them for a change. Additionally, a lot of submissive people enjoy pain because turning their attention to physical sensations might be their only way of dealing with stress. When you’re a sub, your main job is to react; you don’t have to worry about saying the right thing or looking good – you can just let go.
2. It might have something to do with their upbringing
If you were raised to think that sex is wrong or that it makes you a ‘slut’, you might subconsciously believe that it’s something done to you, not shared with a partner, and might now struggle to take charge.
3. Switching is a thing
A lot of people are both dominant and submissive simply because switching is fun. It allows you to play a different role that feels free and helps you discover what you like in bed.
4. BDSM is still a bit taboo
And as we both know, doing something frowned upon can be a huge turn-on, and both sex and submission tick the box.
5. It might have something to do with your love language
Submission might be one of the ways to show that you love your partner. For example, an act of service is one of the 5 love languages and involves doing something for your partner that makes them feel appreciated.
6. Societal conditioning
Women are usually seen as submissive, and it’s unlikely you’ll come across porn where a man submits unless you specifically look for it. A lot of women might think they’re naturally submissive because they were conditioned to believe that’s the only way to be.
Does it mean you shouldn’t be submissive? Not at all! In fact, it can be pretty empowering, and here’s why:
1. You still get to be in control
Many people think that subs are just ordered around, but they’re often the ones calling the shots. Just because you enjoy being dominated doesn’t mean you can’t misbehave and engage in power play with your dominant.
A lot of subs are brats who enjoy breaking the rules and pushing the dominant’s buttons. Brats know that when they misbehave, they’ll get their dominant’s reaction which paradoxically makes them as in control as their dominant. For example, if you tell your dominant, “I broke your favorite mug, what are you going to do about it?”, you know you can expect them to punish you accordingly.
2. Acting true to your desires is empowering
Instead of denying yourself becoming in tune with your nature because it’s not well-seen or ‘normal’, embrace who you are. Just because you might like being degraded doesn’t mean you think you don’t deserve to be treated right or that you don’t value yourself. For a lot of subs, humiliation is synonymous with letting go and can help them clear their minds.
3. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy
Contrary to what some might think, being submissive doesn’t mean ‘just lying there. Both parties have to do the work to develop a successful submissive/dominant dynamic. But once you’ve managed to increase trust enough to play those roles, your relationship will be stronger, and you’ll get to understand more about your body and your desires.
How Can I Become More in Tune With My Submissive Side?
1. Read about BDSM
It’s best if you do research with your partner to see if you have similar preferences and then have a conversation in which you explain to them what your boundaries and expectations are. Visit our sex blog to learn more about BDSM and a plethora of other sex-ed topics.
Remember, in order to develop a satisfying and healthy BDSM relationship, you need a strong bond and trust, and having an honest conversation is the first step to doing that.
2. Learn how to engage in dirty talk
The submissive/dominant dynamic isn’t just about sex. It can also mean using language that emphasizes who is in charge. For example, you might agree to address your partner as a ‘master’ or ‘sir,’ and they might tell you what they’re going to do to you if you don’t obey their order. You can even come up with a basic script to help you ease into the roles of dirty talking first.
3. Try a role play
If you don’t have much experience with the submissive/dominant dynamic, you should start from a role play that already implies it. For example, you could pretend you’re a boss and an employee or a teacher and a student.
4. Look the part
Dressing up isn’t a must, but it definitely won’t hurt as it can further reinforce the submissive/dominant dynamic. For example, you could wear a collar as a symbol of ownership.
5. Take things out of the bedroom
Once you’ve become more comfortable with submissive sex, you can try to incorporate submission into your everyday life. For example, you can start by using titles out of sexual context and have your partner exert control over you; choose your outfits for the day, plan your meals, etc.
6. Join a kink community
If you’re single, don’t worry. For someone inexperienced, it’s a good idea to find a person who can guide you and teach you about sex and submission. You can easily find a dominant who will help you fulfill your fantasies by joining a kink community.
7. Consider purchasing sex toys
Sex toys are a great way to improve your sexual exploration and to make the dynamic more believable. For example, you could purchase a rope, handcuffs, or blindfolds that will make you feel totally dependent on your dominance and turn the fantasy into reality.