How to Tell Someone you don’t Love Them.

by | Sep 21, 2021 | Sex Education | 0 comments

If you’re learning how to tell someone you don’t love them, you’ve come to the right place. Went on a date with someone and realized you aren’t that into them? Or have a partner who insists on telling you they love you when you’re not sure you do? Uh-oh! This can be quite an awkward situation. 

Don’t worry, we at V for Vibes have got you covered – here are a few ways you can learn how to tell someone you don’t love them if you find yourself in a pickle like the one we mentioned above. 

Before we dive into how you can tell someone you don’t love them, we need to let you know that it is completely okay not to reciprocate emotions if you do not feel them! Often women shy away from rejecting someone because they feel guilt and as if they would be doing something wrong if they were to tell someone they don’t love them. 

But we’re here to remind you that it is completely acceptable and understandable if you do not reciprocate the feelings of love that might have been professed to you by a current partner or a new potential partner. The important thing to keep in mind is to tell them! Don’t leave them hanging; no one likes being ghosted. Keep reading to find out how you can let someone down easy and to best approach saying I don’t love you. 

Treat them with Respect 

Remember that the person you are addressing is deserving of love and is worth that affection even if you do not reciprocate their feelings of love and intimacy. Treat them with respect and do not insult or say hurtful things to them. 

Let them down gently and with respect, do not patronize them and tell them you know what’s best for them. For example, instead of saying, “You deserve more than I can give you,” try saying, “I’m not ready for the kind of commitment you require, and I appreciate your honesty.” Give them the respect they deserve for being honest and open with you and for communicating how they feel towards you.

Remember that it requires a lot of courage and bravery to be vulnerable and that they have let their guard down in order to tell you and that you must respect that they did.

how to tell someone you don't love them

Remember, they are Human and will React. 

It’s the nature of the thing that you’re saying – rejection. It hurts even when it’s not done with the intention of hurting. When you tell your partner, whether you have been in a relationship for a few months or have just been on a few dates, they might be hurt even if you don’t say anything hurtful. Give them the space to respond however they choose to when you tell them you don’t love them and take it as a form of grieving or expressing hurt. 

This, of course, does not mean that you endure abusive situations. If you think your partner is not responding in an appropriate way to the news you have broken, and if they threaten or attempt to hurt you in response, you should immediately reach out to someone to ensure your safety. 

Instead, this means that if someone does not take it well that you do not love them back, it is merely a reflection of who they are as a person and no measure of what you deserve to be treated like. Remember that you are also walking away from the relationship because of reasons you know, and that perhaps it is in your best interest to see their reaction and remind yourself that you do not love them and that it is okay to not love someone back.

Be Open to the Reaction 

That said, keep in mind that there can be various reactions to rejection. Hurt, bitterness, anger, and grief are all valid as long as they are proportional to what you said. That is, nothing that is too violently aggressive or leaning towards being abusive is acceptable. Barring that, some crying is expected, some words that might be heated can possibly be exchanged, and some residual hurt might linger. All of these are acceptable and understandable forms of responding to rejection

Accept their reaction as it is, and remind yourself that you are not responsible for their reaction. Yes, they’re hurt. And yes, they are going to react to that hurt. And they are going to express that hurt, but that you are not the reason they are hurting, it’s just that rejection doesn’t feel good to anyone. 

Put yourself in that place and think of how you’d react to someone telling you they don’t love you. Give them the same kind of space you’d expect yourself to be given in that situation.

how to tell someone you don't love them

Gentleness and Kindness are the Keys 

It might be difficult to do and might even be heartbreaking and upsetting for you to do, but if you’re sure you don’t love someone, telling them is the right thing to do. Don’t leave them guessing and hanging, and nobody likes being ghosted, so the most mature and adult thing you can do in this unfortunate situation is to let them down.

The key to doing this in a respectful, calm, and collected manner is to do it as gently and kindly as possible. Know that you are going to hurt someone and that that is unavoidable. But to do it with kindness, to do it while respecting someone’s personhood and integrity – that’s the key here. That is what is important to most situations where love is unrequited and unreciprocated. Do not feel the pressure to coddle them and let them talk you out of it, but remember to be kind and gentle when you do let them down.

If you are comfortable sharing it with them, give them a reason and tell them why you think it won’t work out. That’s always better than guessing in our experience. Tell them that you can be friends and that you’d like their company, just not in a romantic manner. 

Or be open to the possibility of love and that it can grow into love one day, just not yet. Give them something to work with and yourself something to alleviate the pain, too. It isn’t easy having these discussions that require a lot of strength and bravery. But if you have chosen to do it – do it the right way.

Don’t Feel Guilty! 

This last point is just a reminder. Unfortunately, too many women feel like they are responsible for making someone feel loved and cared for, especially with regards to a romantic partner. There is no way for you to feel otherwise, at least not in the present moment, and that is completely okay and acceptable. 

You are not a bad person for telling someone you don’t love them. In fact, you’re probably very strong and reasonable, and mature if you have chosen to speak to them instead of ghosting them and not responding. But if you’re not into them, you’re not into them, and that’s the end of the story. 

Remind yourself that the nature of the situation is such that feelings will be hurt, and that it’s okay to not reciprocate feelings of love and intimacy, and that you are still worthy of love and attention, maybe just not with this one person. 

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