Being a dom can be highly alluring: it gets you sexual favors and puts you in control. But it’s also a lot more than that.
In this article, you’ll find out what being dominant means, why some people might prefer it to submission, and how to be dominant in bed and in your daily life.
What Does Being Dominant In Bed Mean?
While a sub puts the dominant’s needs first and the dom is in charge, they shouldn’t be selfish. On the contrary, they should have their sub’s best interest in mind and make sure they’re both sexually and emotionally satisfied. A true dominant respects their sub’s boundaries and exerts power over them in a manner that’s both strict and caring. A dom can take on many roles, such as a daddy, master, sadist, owner, etc.
Why Are Some People Dominant While Others Aren’t?
While it’s typically men who are dominant, a lot of women might prefer to be in charge. Apart from it being a preference, here are some other possible reasons:
1. People like feeling in control
Life can be pretty unpredictable, and sex might often be the only instance in which you can have total control over the outcomes. For people who might feel lost or vulnerable, being dominant in bed is a great way to regain some of the confidence and feel more secure in their lives.
2. It might have something to do with their upbringing
Many girls are taught that they should always be obedient and polite while boys are allowed to misbehave. Lack of assertiveness and confidence can take years of work to improve in adulthood but can be more easily reversed in a sexual context.
3. It might be a way to deal with difficult emotions
While the dominant/submissive dynamic is so much more than having aggressive, hardcore sex, the dominant often gets to inflict pain and punish their sub, which can be a way to express emotions such as anger. You can call it taking out frustration on someone but in a controlled setting where both benefit from it.
Why Is Being Dominant Empowering?
Becoming a domme can be a big commitment that requires time and can be emotionally exhausting and frustrating. Before you start learning how to be dominant in bed, consider if these benefits resonate with you first:
1. It brings you out of your comfort zone
A lot of women might find the idea of taking charge stressful, at least until they’ve tried. However, it’s important to get out of your comfort zone once in a while as it allows you to boost your confidence and helps you learn about what you like in bed. Who knows, you might realize that being dominant in bed actually gives you more rush than submitting.
2. It allows you to go against societal expectations
There’s never any reason you shouldn’t spice things up with a little rebellion. Women are typically seen as submissive and are expected to obey, especially in a sexual context. Ask yourself, have you ever seen porn where a woman dominates a man that isn’t titled ‘dominatrix’? And there are still very few porn videos that explore this fetish. It doesn’t take much to flip the script. Sex is supposed to be consensual, so both you and your partner bend the rules when you engage in this kind of dynamic.
3. You get to surprise people
Since most people you encounter will assume you’re submissive, you can easily prove them wrong.
4. Acting true to your desires is empowering
Life’s too short to pretend to be someone you’re not. If you enjoy being dominant, you deserve to fulfill those fantasies and have your needs met no matter what other people think.
5. Being dominant isn’t just physical
While spanking sex and choking can be definitely a part of the deal, being dominant extends beyond the bedroom. As a dominant, you get to order your sub around and often control important aspects of their lives. Having this much responsibility can be empowering, especially if it’s not something you experience in everyday life.
How Can I Become More in Tune with My Dominant Side?
Learning how to navigate this dynamic takes time. Here’s how to be more dominant:
1. Share your desires with your partner
Tell your partner that you’re interested in BDSM and research the topic to find the dynamic that suits your needs the most. Once you’ve agreed on what you both like, you should discuss your boundaries and things you’re willing to try.
2. Start small
After you’ve spoken to your partner, you can start incorporating the new dynamic into your sex life. However, you should start small to really ease into it and make sure both you and your partner are on the same page.
For example, you can start by initiating sex, choosing positions on top, and telling your partner what to do. You should get used to taking charge outside the bedroom too. Instead of asking a partner what he wants to do, tell him you’re taking him out for dinner. Make him perform simple tasks for you such as running you a bath, making you tea, or washing the dishes.
The key is to get used to firmly voicing what you want instead of asking for it. You can also practice this outside of your relationship. It’s possible to be polite and assertive at the same time, so instead of asking your boss, “Do you think I could take days off?” say “I’d like to take some days off”.
3. Look the part
Even if you’re not feeling confident, trick yourself into believing that you are. While wearing dominatrix clothes might seem too stereotypical to some, it can be a great confidence boost that can help you get used to the new dynamic.
4. Consider buying sex toys
For a lot of women, it might be difficult to play a dominant role knowing that their partners are most likely stronger than them and could overpower them if they wanted to. This is why you should invest in sex toys.
Gadgets such as handcuffs or blindfolds can make the scenario more realistic and help bring out your confidence. They’re also great tools that can help develop trust between you and your partner. For example, when you’re using a toy such as a spanking whip, you have to make sure you communicate well and monitor your partner’s reactions.
Remember to talk about the experience afterward to ensure nobody’s boundaries were crossed. It’s important to be as honest as possible with your partner because a dominant/submissive dynamic is largely about becoming attuned to each other’s needs and learning how to fulfill them. Simply following a script won’t be enough.
5. Join a kink community
If you’re serious about becoming a domme, it’s important that you take advice from pros. Joining a community online will allow you to browse the forum with plenty of threads where people share their BDSM experience. You can also connect with users directly, and they’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have. And if you want to learn more about this and many other sexual topics, visit our sex blog for in-depth sex education!