It would be easy if the recipe for love was easy. If you’re asking yourself: can sex make you fall in love? The unfortunate answer is that it’ll be different for every relationship. Human connection is as complex as we are. Even the subtle differences between how you and your partner view sex in a relationship can make this complicated to sift through. Can sex make him fall in love with you? Maybe. Can sex with him make you fall in love with him? Also maybe. Let’s sit down together and look at the facts in front of us. Together, we’ll see how love and sex are related to your relationship and help you move forward. We’ll break down the three possible outcomes to the question, “Can sex make you fall in love?” and help you move forward. 

Possibility 1- Can Sex Make You Fall in Love? Definitely Not. 

In this scenario, sex doesn’t make falling in love easy for either party in the relationship. In today’s world, it’s sadly too common for sexual abuse or other traumatic sexual events to color our visions of intimacy. While our bodies want to connect, it’s hard to get the two to cooperate if our minds are still telling us old narratives. 

For you, this may mean feeling odd when your body is being touched sexually. It may even feel like not having a connection to your body at all. Some people detach themselves from their physical presence when they’ve been hurt before. Things that tend to feel good for others may just not for you. Think of the last time you had a massage. If you were more interested in what type of oil they were using, how long was left in your session, or what you had for breakfast- odds are you may struggle to be present in your body. 

Your partner also may struggle to find intimacy in physical connection, as remember, there are multiple forms and different types of intimacy. If you prompt them to talk about sex, they may respond hesitantly or express shame about current or past bedroom performances. They may be unable to really talk about the subject and instead use coy euphemisms. Look for blushes, stuttering, and soft voices. This may be your partner’s best way of telling you that sex is just not part of their relationship style at the moment. 

What to do?

Well, if you’re not interested in sex AND your partner is not interested in sex, the answer to the question of “Can sex make you fall in love?” is an unequivocal “No”. And that’s okay. There are tons of different ways to fall in love. Instead of shooting for more intimacy physically, this may just be a great time to pivot and share more about yourself. Connect about your likes and dislikes outside the bedroom. Share stories about your childhood. Ask them questions about their past relationships.

If you or your partner start becoming interested in sex, that’s A-OK. You can address that disconnect when you get there. But until that moment comes, relax and enjoy your relationship growing in a way that feels great for the both of you. Your relationship doesn’t need to look like others to be fulfilling. 

Possibility 2- Can Sex Make You Fall in Love? Definitely Yes. 

In contrast to the prior, the truth is bodies can really help us connect with one another too. Tons of people enjoy what it feels like when people rub their back, play with their hair, or make out. And you don’t have to hate yourself for feeling good. If your body responds in positive ways, then keep going. Slut-shaming and internalized shame about sex are things of the past. The new world we’re building is sex-positive and trusts your body to care for you best.  

If your partner is enjoying things sexually, hopefully, they’re letting you know. Direct communication about enjoyment is important so you can keep building together. If your relationship isn’t quite as strong with direct verbal communication, you can look for frequent attempts to connect sexually, such as moans and regular physical contact. Your partner’s eyes may even focus on your body.  

What to do?

Relax and enjoy. The good news is that you and your partner are on the same page. You’re not alone in your desires. Having more sex will create a more sexual relationship; having more emotional conversations creates a more emotionally deep connection. Both are valid forms of love. Let yourself trust what feels good and keep seeking what you need in your life. Does sex make you fall in love? Some people have long, successful sex-centered relationships, and they’re content and joyful. Love doesn’t need to look the same in every relationship. 

Can sex make you fall in love even when you were just going for the hookup, though? Maybe. When you spend a lot of time in someone’s company, and you’re enjoying yourself, it’s a real possibility to develop feelings. Your anxiety about falling in love could just be your fears about the mere label of “love”. Let things take their time. When (and if!) you’re ready to start building your relationship beyond the bedroom, start with some pillow talk after the act. Sometimes when we’re less sexually charged, we may be more able to unwind and connect in other ways. If your partner starts trying to connect more emotionally, check-in and see if that’s a way you’d like your relationship to move forward. It’s OK for relationships to shift with time. 

Possibility 3- Can Sex Make You Fall in Love? Maybe. 

Here’s the tricky bit, you and your partner may just be on different pathways to love. And that can make it hard to build a relationship together. If your idea of a romantic partnership is long conversations and deep emotional connection, you deserve to find that. If you find yourself asking, “Can sex make him fall in love with you?” The answer may be yes, but at what cost? You can use your body to make him find joy, but your relationship won’t be successful unless you’re being honest with your needs too. 

Alternatively, your partner may be the one pushing for emotional intimacy more than you are. They may be looking for a deeper connection, whereas you may still be enjoying your body more than anything. It’s ok not to want a more romantic connection. 

What to do?

When you and your partner are mismatched on your love journeys, it’s essential to stop and ask yourself if it’s worth it—Check in with yourself and your partner with the following guiding questions. Be honest with one another and see what unfolds.

• Do you need a sexual connection to find emotional intimacy?
• Do you need emotional intimacy to build sexual connection?
• What would you like our love to look like?
• Are you willing to negotiate on your preferred “love pathway” to make space for this relationship?
• What shifts are you willing to make to how you find love and sexual intimacy to help make this relationship work?
• What shifts would you like me to help make this relationship work?

So can sex make you fall in love? Can sex make him fall in love with you? Does sex make you fall in love? I hope you got the answer to some of these pressing questions. The only “right” way to a relationship is the way that feels good for you and for your partner. Trust your gut and your body, as you always know what is best for YOU.