Changing Yourself for a Relationship: The Do’s and Don’ts.

Oct 2, 2021

As human beings, change is inevitable. We grow, live, learn, and with this, our personalities, ideals, and outlooks- nearly every aspect of who we are, will evolve and change with us. Change can be both a wonderful and challenging thing, and when it comes to relationships, it is often the center of the shared challenges that we face. 

When with another person, you not only experience your personal change, but you also experience the change of someone else. Someone you love, someone you care about, and someone that you plan to spend the rest of your days with. 

This then requires a balance of :

  1. Accepting your partner’s changes as they grow, learning to embrace the person they become as the same person who you have come to love.
  2. Your partner accepts your changes as you grow.
  3. Changing yourself for a relationship, but only in a healthy and beneficial manner to both of you. 

When an aspect about yourself or your loved one changes, you may find your partner wishing that this change didn’t happen, wishing that you could adjust your outlook on one of their changes, or that something they don’t necessarily like about you could change. 

Relationship changes are challenging, and there is a very fine balance of where you should work to change, where you should allow change to grow naturally, and what you should and shouldn’t do to change. 

Changing yourself for a relationship is a big deal, as you are essentially changing the person that you care for to the benefit of your shared love with another, so stick around for some of the Do’s and Don’ts that you should always keep in mind when approaching such an aspect of love

Changing Yourself for a Relationship: The Do’s!

Rightfully so, sometimes you have to change! This can be either for the bettering of yourself, for the sake of your partner, and for the overall health of your shared relationship. Some change is excellent, and it is precisely this type of change that you should strive to achieve; change that makes you happier, healthier, and more self-aware. 

Here are some things to keep in mind when actively working on changing yourself for a relationship, especially when this change is called upon by your partner (versus choosing to change entirely on your own), and how to approach such instances in a manner that doesn’t take away from who you are at the core of your existence. 

changing yourself for a relationship

Practice More Empathy

Practicing more empathy is one of the most positive means of changing yourself for a relationship. Being more empathetic means placing yourself in your partner’s shoes to better understand where they come from on a variety of subjects, be it sex, communication, experiences, and of course, change! 

Suppose your partner highlights a specific aspect of your personal change that maybe they don’t quite like. In that case, you don’t necessarily have to change yourself on the spot, but at least try and practice more empathy to better see where their views might be coming from and to understand their reasoning as to why. 

By doing so, you might realize for yourself that their viewpoints hold ample amounts of credibility (or not!), and this will allow you to work through these instances in a manner that looks out for the mindset of your significant other. Empathy spans into nearly every other aspect of a relationship, as well, and is a much-needed characteristic of the healthiest relationships. 

Promote Communication

If you want to know how to deal with change in a relationship, then ample amounts of communication is your best friend. Communication is the keystone to working through change and issues that are sure to arise with any relationship and allows both parties involved to better express their reasonings as to why they do a certain thing, act out in a certain way, or have changed to a certain extent. 

Let’s take a change in sex drive, for example. If your partner has exhibited a change in their sex drive for the past few months, such as not wanting the same amount of sex, this can be a very challenging form of change. Instead of allowing it to lead to frustration and resentment, try communicating instead! Talk to them about why they feel this way, how you may have influenced any of this, and if there is anything you can do to help them get back to that wild sex drive you once knew and loved. 

Communication not only allows you to identify issues of relationship changes, but it provides you the information needed, directly from the source, to implement other changes necessary to best deal with these changes together, as a unit and as a pair. 

Personal Change

Of all the ways for how to deal with change, positive personal change is never a bad one! We must learn to love ourselves from the core outwards before we may truly love another, and working on these forms of personal changes is a wonderful way to promote self-love and self-confidence that reflects directly into your love for another. 

Think of doing things that promote your happiness, wellbeing, and health, such as taking on a new hobby or implementing a new workout routine. Your partner will absolutely appreciate your willingness to become the best version of yourself, as this form of change is one that shows your partner you want the best for you in an effort to provide the best to them. Now that is a win-win. 

Be More Kind

Being kind to your partner should be on the top of your priority list, and if kindness has been lacking as of late, then this is a perfect place to begin dealing with relationship changes. Positively changing yourself for a relationship is something we must remain active upon implementing, and kindness can change nearly every aspect of your love life for the better. 

It makes your partner feel loved, accepted, and gives them something worth smiling over. Try sending your loved one those sweet good morning texts on a daily basis, surprise them with a nice gift, take them on a date night that they weren’t expecting, and you’ll both reap the rewards of this positive relationship change. 

Being Attentive

Are you attentive enough to your partner, the things they do and don’t like, the different types of intimacy that make them feel loved, and overall, attentive to who they are as a human being? 

Working on learning your partner through being attentive to the things they have to say, the ideals they hold close to their heart, and everything else will, in turn, lead to more communication, openness, and trust. Practice effective listening skills, and turn listening into action when there is something on their mind. 

Did they mention the desire to go see a band coming to town? Take this attentiveness and turn it into action by buying them tickets! Do they not seem satisfied in your sex? Being attentive to this allows you to pinpoint areas where you can change, which is very much a “DO” in changing yourself for a relationship. 

sex egg

Changing Yourself for a Relationship: The Don’ts!

Just as there are things that you should do in terms of changing yourself for a relationship, there are also fine lines of the things that you also have a right to not change. Change is natural, and sometimes, we have to work through changes that we don’t necessarily like- this means accepting a change in your partner’s personality and exhibiting to your partner changes of yourself that you feel are natural and in line with personal/relationship growth. 

Life Viewpoints

Hearing someone out on their life viewpoints is a great way to learn more about them, but these views might differ from your own or change over time, such as religious or political viewpoints. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and just because your significant other has a different option doesn’t necessarily mean you have to change your own. 

Changing a life viewpoint just to make your partner happy is a direct insult to who you are. Instead of thinking that you need to throw your ideals out the window, work on better communication strategies to express why you feel a certain way. Don’t try and make your partner change, either, and just find a nice balance of understanding and empathy in any of your opposing views, only changing them if you feel that way from the bottom of your heart. 

Your Hobbies

If you have a hobby that your partner doesn’t like and that occupies your time, this isn’t a place that you necessarily need to change. Changing yourself for a relationship means changing for the better, and neglecting to do the things you love because your partner feels second to these things is not the right approach. 

Instead, work on ways to find a balance between spending time with your partner and the things you like to do in your alone time. Express the importance of these hobbies and interests, how they positively affect your life, and why you have the right to pursue such things that you hold close to your heart. Sure, work on ways that you can spend time doing both, but don’t allow your partner to be the sole focus of your time. We all need to grow and work on ourselves as well!

Sexual Views

Everyone has unique sexual idiosyncrasies, and sex takes on many varying definitions for each of us. It is not uncommon to run into a partner who views sex differently from yourself, and you should never feel fear or uncertainty surrounding your own options on sex. 

It’s okay to like certain things, to need a certain amount of sex, or to have the desire to explore different realms of sex. Not allowing yourself to pursue your sexuality is changing your views on sex, and this leads to frustration and a lack of sex drive. 

Instead, talk about how you can experiment with new things together and how you can find a balance between what you think is fun and exciting to what they might not think is okay, such as an interesting kink or a fetish, and instead of changing yourself completely, change together until the balance is met. 

bdsm pinwheel

Who you Are

In the end, you never want to change who you are as a person just to appease another. Sure, you might do things like choosing to wash the dishes the next day that they want you to change, and these small acts are absolutely worth working towards personal change over. But as soon as these instances breach who you are, deep down, as a person, then tread carefully. 

Never allow yourself to become someone else if it doesn’t sit right within you, as your partner needs to learn how to appreciate who you are and the positive strides you do take within a relationship. Be yourself, as being accepted for your existence in the person you are leads to the healthiest forms of love and connection, and don’t change for the sake of it, only when you feel as though this change is reasonable and still in line with your persona. 


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