Have you heard of BDSM from friends, a movie, a book, a report, and are you curious and want to have more information about it?
This article is for you!
In terms of bringing BDSM into your own sex life, should this be a journey never before embarked on by yourself, you may have prejudices, myths, and misconceptions on the subject. Don’t worry. It’s normal: everyone has been through it.
We will help you better understand what BDSM really is, and how you can practice this art of sex.
Definition of BDSM
BDSM is characterized by the fundamental principles of: safety, respect, communication, and consent.
The current long abbreviation BD-DS-SM has been shortened for more straightforward pronunciation.
BD: Bondage and Discipline.
DS: Domination and Submission
SM: Sadism and Masochism.
In fact, the term sadomasochism began with the enlightenment philosopher Alphonse François de Sade. One of his best-known works is called The 120 Days of Sodom, a story of fetish desires and anal sex between Justine and Juliet.
The purpose of BDSM is not to endanger other people’s lives. It is a role-playing game in which one or more submissive people accompany one or more dominant people; a means to arouse all involved participants sexually.
It’s important to understand that BDSM tastes and likings vary from person to person, and you may find it entirely absurd, or incredibly exciting. You just have to try to find out!
Dominant, Submissive, or Switch?
Since BDSM is based on a dominant/submissive relationship, it is important to know which side you are on to get the most out of the practice.
Whether you enjoy the role of dominant, submissive, or both, is a very personal choice, a choice of which is generally made according to what turns us on and our compatibility in bed.
A dominant will have the rules (and the whip) in hand, and will be the instigator of corporal punishment. A submissive will have to obey and accept whatever his or her partner asks him/her to comply with, giving up all control.
Certain people who dominate in their professional and social life often like to play the role of the submissive in the bedroom, and vice versa.
On the other hand, as for the “switch”, they can find their pleasure in both situations and change according to their desires.
How to bring BDSM into your relationship
When you present the idea to your partner and explain to them what BDSM is, they may hesitate.
Here are 3 steps to make it easier:
- Wait until they are aroused – The best way to get your partner excited about trying BDSM is to bring up the idea of
something that you would like to try when they are aroused. Arousal can lower our inhibitions and make us more receptive to sexual suggestions. It seems obvious, but many people forget this! Suggesting new BDSM activities to a stressed and angry partner isn’t going to end well!
- Start slow and build it up – We also suggest starting with baby steps. For example, you can ask for a spanking instead of whipping. You can also add heels before donning a whole-body dominatrix outfit. When it comes to bondage and blindfolds, it can be challenging to add both at the same time. Instead, try making love while one of you is tied up, then having sex with a blindfold before combining the two. People should start slow. This gives you plenty of time to get used to and familiarize yourself with the activities you are doing. Knowing that you will try things gradually rather than all at once can reassure a reluctant partner. Talking with your partner about how you can both stay safe while exploring your limits can also help overcome reluctance to engage in BDSM. You can also insist that you both have a safe word.
- Be Specific – it’s best to be specific about what type of activity you want to try, such as spanking, biting or handcuffing, or whatever else you want to experiment with, as this will keep you on the same page. The same goes when you introduce new sex positions. Usually, you’ll want to bring up the topic before starting. This could include society’s opinion of what BDSM is or any past experiences that many of you may have, some of which may have been negative, so that you can communicate and work through any misconceptions. Never pressure or physically force your partner to participate in BDSM!
Is there a problem with me (or my partner) if I am interested in BDSM?
No, not in the slightest! Interest in BDSM is quite common. Additionally, someone interested in BDSM may be perfectly healthy, and wanting to try kinky activities is not an indication of mental health or other issues whatsoever. While not all activities are your cup of tea under the BDSM box, activities that can be done safely and consensually should not be a cause for concern.
Respect your limits and the importance of the safe word
Are you both on the same page? Fantastic. You will soon be able to taste the ecstasy of BDSM. But first of all, be sure to communicate your limits to the other. Which, in your opinion and in your experience, would go too far. If you don’t want them walking all over you in stilettos, let them know right away.
Also, develop a “safe word” that will order immediate termination of intercourse if spoken. The same goes for your partner so that he or she feels completely at ease in this experience.
We remind you of the goal: to do yourself good. The very second you feel that the game started tipping more into pain than orgasm, do not hesitate to stop it all.
Is BDSM Dangerous?
Some activities that fall under the BDSM umbrella can be dangerous if not done correctly.
This is why it is so important to set boundaries, discuss consent, do research, pay attention to signals coming from your partner’s body and your own body, and use safe words to improve. It is all about personal security for your sexual health.
When planning a scene, put in mind that anything could go wrong. Then get ready; a first aid kit, a cell phone, and handcuff keys close at hand allow you or your partner to safely exit it and deal with anything that could go wrong and prevent the situation from escalating. If nothing goes wrong, there is no need to use these items.
A safeword is a tool that helps prevent scenes from causing damage. Usually, the submissive / bottom uses their safeword when things become too much to handle. For example, try the traffic light system (green means keep going, yellow means just right, and red means too far). Remember, it is okay for a dominant to use safe words as well!
Finally, aftercare promotes safety when exploring BDSM. An intense scene can involve subspace (and topspace), and ending it can result in something that feels like a shock.
Aftercare is a way for BDSM partners to make sure that they are doing well physically and mentally after a scene, such a session of hugs, caresses, hydration, and discussions. BDSM can make you and your partner feel vulnerable when finished, and aftercare helps to take stock of how things went and calm down from this high hormone rush.
Take it step by step, one experience at a time, and take the time to savor the moments while making sure that you are both at the same stage of excitement.
As for accessories, it’s the same. As a beginner, you don’t really have to buy a lot of things; you can start by tying up or bandaging your eyes with a satin scarf or using your panties to gag your partner – the options are endless. So it’s up to you!
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