People in the vanilla sex world often misunderstand BDSM. BDSM isn’t a degrading, painful experience, but it is a terrific exploration of power and sensation! BDSM is built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. In our BDSM guide, you will help explore all types of bondage and discover the best BDSM tips compiled by sex experts.
Often in mainstream culture, you’ll find a huge stigma attached to BDSM and the people who participate in it. Most of the time, people who enjoy BDSM are labeled as perverts, mentally ill, or lacking in moral code. BDSM is, by definition, an exploration of yourself that accepts all genders, sexualities, bodies, relationships, lifestyles, and ages. Sexual domination is a significant factor, but not the only thing it’s all about. People explored BDSM tips throughout history, first showing up in ancient Greek art and the Kama Sutra’s inclusion of spanking. European references from the 15th century evolved into many brothels and parlors offering restraints and other punishments in the 18th century. Over 5 million people participate in different types of BDSM in America, while many more claim to be turned on by imagery, pornography, and novels of a similar nature. There’s a reason that “how to be dominant during sex” is such an actively searched topic. Movies like 50 Shades of Gray and 365 Days are guilty pleasures to watch. In our BDSM guide, we can break this topic into several categories:
- Dominance and Submission – where a dominant person has control over a submissive, a person who follows these orders;
- Sado-Masochism – the consensual giving or receiving pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation such as spanking or using nipple clamps;
- Bondage and Discipline – refers to the physical restraint over another person and disciplining the submissive when they don’t do as told. A lot of these terms can overlap during play, involving some or all of the activities.
If you’re new to sexual domination and interesting in exploring, think about what areas might turn you on. Are you interested in a more dominant role, or does being submissive excites you most? Or maybe you like the sound of both (called a switch). Remember, being dominant or submissive is an expression of your sexuality and doesn’t have to reflect the way you are in other areas of your life. In fact, many people like to explore opposite roles of what they experience in their everyday lives.
BDSM Tips for Categories of Play
There are so many types of play out there to explore, and novelty is vital when getting to know BDSM culture.
- Restraint / Bondage – Restricting a person’s physical movements in the form of tying, handcuffs, or even simply orders not to move. Blindfolds can also be incorporated by some people.
- Pain / Sensation Play – These are activities that involve inflicting sensations or pain. The most popular kinks to explore in this category are tickling, biting, spanking, flogging, whipping, paddling, clamping, temperature play, and using bondage whips.
- Mental Play is a group of activities intended to create a psychological impact. Other kinks to explore in this category are humiliation, name-calling, shaming, slave acting.
BDSM Tips For Beginners
Communication is key
You can’t have true intimacy without good communication. Any BDSM activity requires a profound level of communication to establish trust and comfort. This is where respect comes into play — being able to divulge your desire and have it be met with respect. Engaging in BDSM play with your lover will require clear and open communication, asking questions, explaining desires in detail, and being open and accepting enough to not get embarrassed by what you want. Be clear with what you need to communicate about your desires and boundaries. An excellent way to do this is to write down your requests and hard limits.
Negotiate
Negotiations are where each partner’s roles are established, and boundaries and limits are set. Overall, the submissive role is always the one in charge. They set the limits in which a dominant can play and have an ultimate say over ending a scene. Remember that not all BDSM play involves sex.
Safety
Two terms used often in the BDSM community are RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink and SSC – Sane, Safe, and Consensual. All activities in BDSM must be consensual at all times and stick to the boundaries established in the negotiation. It is ok to stop playing if you are unsure or need to communicate with your partner. Safety words are an essential element to stop a scene immediately. Though there can be a lot of debate over what a safe word could be, the most important thing is that it works for you. Ensure it is something that wouldn’t be naturally said during your scene. Avoid “stop” or “no” and pick something random like “puppy” or “orange”. When using physical impact, stick to fleshy areas of the body like butts and thighs. Never hit someone’s on the chest, neck, head, or stomach. When using bondage, never restrict anyone’s airways or cut off circulation by restraining too tightly.
BDSM Guide Conclusion
As important as any other aspect of BDSM, aftercare is the immediate processing of any newly finished scene. The purpose is to discuss what worked and what didn’t. This vital conversation protects everyone’s emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing. Aftercare typically goes further than discussion, including cuddling, hydrating, taking a soothing bath, meditating, and sleeping together.
Remember, BDSM doesn’t have to be a stigma. If you’re interested in playing, take a chance and experiment!